There is a box in my closet that holds a piece of my heart. I cannot open it for it fills me with dread whenever it happens to catch my eye, yet it is cherished and I will never let it go. This one small box contains all the earthly artifacts I have of the twins. Photos that I can’t bear to look at, yet are seared into my heart and brain.There are hospital bracelets, birth certificates, death certificates, and the guest book from their funeral. Tiny foot prints on index cards, rattles that were never held, prayer cards. . . doll-sized clothes that were given to them by the hospital. I hate those clothes, they are stiff and itchy to the touch, reminding me of how unbearably fragile and soft they were. The box is full of the ephemera of heartache, pain, sorrow, grief, joy, hope, and love. Someday, I hope to be able to open this box again, to be able to look at these precious bits without staining them with tears. Today is not the day.
Five years now have gone by. I still visit that bench, but not as often. Your brother tears me away, holding my hand and dragging me into the frenzy of life with an almost 4 year old. But please know, Mary and Christopher, you are still bright, shining stars that guide my way. Mommy loves you.
So, there has been a lot going on behind the scenes around here.
Shawn took a new position in November that’s in Grand Rapids, Michigan. He has been living there during the week and coming home on weekends. We’ve been trying to adjust and see if this could work long term, but it’s really too much for us to handle.
The stress on Shawn and myself is difficult, but it’s hardest on Joe. He misses his dad terribly and it is affecting his sleep and made him very clingy/nervous. Up to this point, he has been flourishing here and it pains me to see him struggle with it.
This has made us decide to sell the house and move so we can all be together. We’re so sad to leave our home, especially after all the work we put into it, not to mention our neighbors, friends and community that we quickly have grown to love. It’s even more heartbreaking to leave our family. I haven’t lived this close to my parents and siblings since I was in high school, and it’s been wonderful to have them be such a large part of our lives again. Joe’s had the blessing of having my parents around (even living with them for a time) and I know it will be difficult to not be so close.
We just finished having some painting done and placed the house on the market this weekend. I dearly hope it sells quickly, I want this transition to be as quick and painless as possible.
I’m optimistic that we will create a wonderful life in Grand Rapids. It’s a great community and reminds me of Madison, which we dearly loved. I’m looking forward to all of us being together again as well. Honestly, it doesn’t matter where Team Colley hangs our hats, along as we are with each other.
Time continues to pass. All the while there is a place in my heart that I continue to visit. A tiny place, a sheltered spot from the everyday hectic living that must go on. Like a park bench off the beaten path, near enough to the action to watch the world go by, but removed enough to be its own little oasis of calm. I go there often to remember, mourn, and think of what could have been.
Sometimes their are brief flashes of memory. Exquisitely miniature toes, the warm of a tiny body next to me. Sometimes there are regrets, why didn’t I ask to hold you both together? Why didn’t we take more photos?
As I watch your brother grow, I can’t help but think of both of you here with him. Playing with trains on the floor, clamoring for cookies, giggling under the covers.
The years pass, but you never fade. They only make those few precious moments with you gleam brighter as I hold you in my heart.
Happy 4th birthday, Mary and Christopher. We love you so.
A few weeks ago, I attended Stella & Dot’s national sales conference in Orlando. It’s called Hoopla and I can definitely say it lived up to its name. Imagine over 3000 women getting together to learn, celebrate, and support one another. It was such a great experience and so much fun! While at Hoopla, the new fall line kicked off with an amazing fashion show, we learned about a new collaboration with the non-profit organization, Every Mother Counts, and we had tons of great training on how to build our business.
I was truly amazed at the sense of camaraderie and friendship among my fellow stylists. It felt more like a family reunion/wedding reception than a work conference. What struck me is the lack of competition and cattiness. Everyone is so supportive and welcoming and wanting to help you be the best you can. Pretty great stuff, considering that sometimes women can than gracious in that area.
I could bore you with all the details, but I think I’ll just give you my big take away and share what my new goals have become for this adventure.
1. I’ve realized that I have really missed my Stella & Dot business these past months while dealing with the move and living with my parents. It motivates, challenges, and thrills me in a way that can’t be replicated by being a mother and wife. It helps me remember who I am as a person and makes me better in other areas of my life.
2. I need to get over being afraid and making excuses. I’ve been holding myself back by using this move and relocation as a reason that I am not succeeding in my business. I have to make it a priority because I will only get out of it what I put in it.
3. I am setting a goal of having 15 trunk shows and building a team to gain the rank of STAR stylist by the end of 2014. This is huge, but they say that if you’re goals don’t scare you, they aren’t big enough!***
***This is going to be a lot of work, luckily I have the world’s best support/cheerleader with Shawn. I couldn’t even dream of this without him.
Why does it seem like yesterday and yet a lifetime ago? Three years. How is this possible? I cling to your memories, what little we were able to have together. Most of it while you were inside me. I used to chuckle and call you my little octopi, you would both wiggle and squirm and wrestle one another. I think about the brief moment that I got to hold you both, amazed at your tiny preciousness. Rosy pink and oh so fragile. Such fleeting time together, but you are both etched into my brain and my heart.
Your little brother grows and grows. He is so full of life, I sometimes wonder if he will burst. A ball of energy and always on the run. Quick to smile and laugh, he brings joy to everyone. I know that you are both looking after him, keeping him safe in this world.
I struggle this year because we have moved away and I’m unable to visit you today. I feel overwhelming guilt that we are not near you. Please know that no matter where you father, brother, and I live on this earth, we all love you and keep you close to us in our hearts. I love you Mary and Christopher, Happy Birthday my loves.
You might have noticed my recent lack of posting around here lately. Well, I’ve had good reasons, to be sure. I’m happy to report that Shawn has accepted a new position and we’re in the process of moving back to Chicago.
As you can imagine, things have been quite the whirlwind. Getting the house on the market, and subsequently sold, packing, getting Joseph and Walter out to my parents, etc. It’s been overwhelmingly insane. Thank goodness for my parents helping us and the aid of some of our good friends. I would probably be moving into the loony bin if it wasn’t for them.
I have to admit that the move is bittersweet. We were so happy to move back here – only three short years ago – to be reunited with our good friends, have our children here, being able to have Jeni’s ice-cream whenever we want. (Just kidding – not really!) But, I am thrilled with being close to my family again. I haven’t lived in the Land of Lincoln since I was 20 years old. I am hoping to rekindle some friendships from school, it will be wonderful to see them outside of the land of Facebook and the Interwebs.
We will be temporarily living at my parents house while we look for a home. They have been so generous and supportive, although I think that my mom is solely focused on the fact that we will have unlimited access to Joe. I hope that we can find a home soon, so we do not wear out our welcome.
I hope to be checking in a bit more regularly to let you know how things are going with transitioning, how Joseph is handling the changes, etc. But for now, I am just going to sit here and listen to this on repeat:
Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. I think it is the kinder, gentler version of Christmas. Celebrating your family, friends, and blessings in life without the hype, stress, and overall chaos that has become a part of the Holiday Season.
Today I intend to hug, kiss, and snuggle these two who I am most thankful for. My husband, my best friend, my partner, my teammate. You are my rock, grounding me when I fly too high (or off the handle), lifting me up and cheering me on when I struggle with being confident in myself. My beautiful, amazing boy. You touch my heart and light up my world. You truly are my sun and stars. I love you both and I am so full of gratitude that I am able to share this life with yours.
Things have been pretty quiet on the old blog lately do to a recent shake up here for Team Colley. Two weeks ago Shawn’s position was eliminated at Tween Brands and he is no longer employed with the company.
They gave him a generous “exit package” so we are currently okay financially and are covered by insurance while he seeks a new position. Which is a major relief. However, our world has otherwise been turned upside down. Joseph and I had a fairly good routine going on for a while and now that Shawn is home with us all day, we are trying to figure out a “new normal” for us. In ways, this has been great; Shawn has been able to have some real quality time with Joe, things are a bit easier in wrangling him with us both around to do it, we’ve been able to get some things done around the house that we never seem to have time for, and I’ve been able to have a bit more time working on launching Stella & Dot.
The flip side is that we’re tripping over each other in doing things around the house, arguing over the “right” way to do things, and are still getting comfortable being around each other in this new way. Of course you add in the anxiety and stress of not knowing what the future holds and it can lead to some hairy moments.
All in all though, I think that we’re starting to find our new groove with things and are looking forward to what the future may hold. We know that as long as Team Colley stays together, we can get through anything.
Okay, so what is up with this Stella & Dot thing and exactly what did I decide to do?
Well, first, here’s a little back story:
Stella and Dot, an Inc. 500 Fastest-Growing Company, is a San Francisco based social selling company that creates flexible entrepreneurial opportunities for women. Our boutique-style jewelry and accessories line is available exclusively through in-home Trunk Shows by Independent Stylists and online. Our one of a kind collections are designed by celebrated New York designers and featured in Gossip Girl, In Style and Lucky Magazine as well as on the wrists and necklines of today’s hottest celebrities. The Today Show, Wall Street Journal and The New York Times have praised Stella & Dot for our innovative social shopping concept which brings together the best of ecommerce, social media, personal service and passionate earning to create the ultimate home based business for today’s modern woman.
I’ve decided to join the ranks and become and independent stylist for Stella & Dot. This means that I will be selling their gorgeous jewelry and accessories lines via personal trunk shows and my own online boutique. I am going to spare you the sales pitch here, but I will say that I wouldn’t even consider this if I didn’t LOVE the product and think that it is amazing. Anyone that wants to hear more or is interested in hosting a trunk show (-FREE JEWELRY, PEOPLE! -) let me know and I’ll be happy to give you all the details! (Check out my my e-boutique here.)
I decided to do this because I feel it is something that has the flexibility I need to still be at home with Joseph and care for my family, while allowing me to have that something to challenge and motivate me, have fun and meet people, and have something to be passionate about. Not to mention to once again contribute financially to our family.
I am really scared and nervous about starting this journey and I am hoping and praying that I don’t fall on my face. But no matter what, I am going to be proud of myself that I am taking a chance and seeing what I am capable of.
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