Last week I came across this article and it really hit home. Wonderfully written, it addresses an issue that most moms deal with on some level: Photographs.

Most moms I know, myself certainly included, avoid the camera because we don’t like how we look in pictures. We are not the perfectly coiffed, pink-cheeked, mom-models that are so often seen in media today. I’m more along the lines of the short pudgy Italian lady in yoga pants and a drool and dog hair-covered shirt with crazy hair and no make up. This does not usually photograph well.

But after reading this article, I realized that this is who I am and that my son will remember me more for my laughter, hugs and kisses, playing, cooking, and just being me. I need to document these times, with myself in the photo, because they will be the mementos that my child will cherish after I’m gone. I know that he might possibly laugh at my crazy hair, but I think that he will focus more on how we both have the same nose.

I promise you, my sweet Joseph, I will grin, laugh, and smile for the camera.

Shawn and I recently went on a trip to Las Vegas and left Joseph with his Grandma. (Shawn’s mom.) This was the first time that I was away from Joe for more than a few hours since I went to the hospital right after he was born. I really struggled with mixed emotions of guilt, elation, abandonment, and fear.

I knew that Joseph would be in great hands. My MIL is a nurse, raised two boys on her own as a single mother, and is one of the most cautious, careful people I know. He would probably take more precautions and care that Shawn and I do ourselves. I was more concerned about her stamina. I mean, I am whooped by the end of the day. Joey is a handful. He is all over the place, squirmy, and currently teething. He is also not a big napper. So, I was concerned that she would be worn out. Luckily, Shawn’s aunt and a few of her lady friends came by and helped out so she could get a break and have that extra pair of hands every once in a while.

I think that the biggest thing I struggled with was guilt. Guilt of leaving him, guilt of not being there, guilt of having fun and enjoying myself without him. It took me a few days to get over the constant guilt I felt about leaving him and allowing myself to relax and have a good time. I think that part of it was that I was getting reports that he was fussy, wouldn’t sleep, etc. After a couple of days of this, I had Shawn call his mom and talk to her to see how things were. She gave him a different perspective: they were having fun and she was enjoying her time with her grandson. It was hard work, but it was good. This made me relax a bit more and eased my mind that she, and him, weren’t miserable.

I continued to have some guilt about having a good time and enjoying myself without having to constantly care for Joseph. It was a revelation that I NEVER stop care-taking. Yes, Shawn helps a ton, but I am still “in charge” in one way or another. I can’t explain how good it felt to stop that for a little while. I know that is something that I have to work on, but I am unsure how to do this without having to fly across the country.

All in all, it was a really great experience. Shawn and I got the time we both really needed as a couple, I was finally able to relax and realize that he would be okay without me, and my MIL and Joseph got some serious bonding time together. I just hope that she wasn’t so worn out that she’d watch him again for us before he’s in preschool.

I touched on this a little bit when I posted about Joseph’s birth, but I felt that I wanted to say a little bit more. I went into this thinking that I would breastfeed. I mean with these boobs, I thought that I would be the blue ribbon milker at the county fair. Unfortunately, things turned out differently.

The breastfeeding thing was hard. I was really wanting to do it and was pretty upset at first that it wasn’t happening. He latched on great at the hospital, but when I was home and got sick, my milk wouldn’t come out. I mean it was definitely in, I was swollen beyond belief. I was pumping with every feeding trying to get it to come out and nothing. My body was not letting me give up any fluids. I have to admit that I was really hard on myself about this, I was upset and felt that there was something wrong with me that I couldn’t do this for my child.

Well, it ended up that there actually WAS something wrong with me. I went to the hospital and was treated for the postpartum preeclampsia. This led to my milk drying up along with all the other fluids leaving my body. After some discussion with my doctors and with Shawn, I decided then that I did all I could to try to breastfeed, but I wasn’t willing to go on more medication to try to get my milk back. I just went through hell trying to get my body to regulate and get back to “normal” and I didn’t want to have a relapse or any other health issues so I could take care of my baby. He seemed to be happy and healthy on the formula and that is what mattered most to me.

Now, I must admit that I haven’t had too many bad comments from anyone yet, but I feel a lot of guilt about bottle feeding and also the need to explain WHY I’m not doing it. It’s a messed up thing. Society pushes the “breast is best” idea pretty hard and I understand the merits of breastfeeding, but for those who cannot -for whatever reason- do so, there is a great stigma there. I have some friends who were bullied by other moms about their choice and I truly feel for them. It is an emotional time and you are already wracked with guilt and anxiety over doing the right thing. It’s horrible to think that others would play on those feelings to make you doubt yourself and what you are doing for your child.

I am not saying either way which is better, I am only sharing what happened in my situation and how I am dealing with it. Bottom line: Joseph is thriving and that is all that matters to us.

One year ago today, my beautiful tiny twins came into the world. They were with us for such a brief amount of time, yet they will continue to be a large part of our lives forever. I think about you both often. Mary, you were so tiny and perfect with your little cupid’s bow lips, long slender fingers and your father’s feet. Christopher you were bigger than your sister, long legs and arms, the Torto nose and your father’s distinctive 4×4 head.

I pray for you every day and I know that you are together, which comforts me. I know that you are with me always.

You both have touched this pregnancy. Your little brother that will be here soon. Every moment has brought me closer to you . . . and him. I hope that you will both look after him once he has made his way into this world.

**************************************************************

Shawn and I have decided to once again join the March of Dimes’ March for Babies walk in celebration of the twins, as well as their little brother, this year. The date of this year’s walk in Columbus will be Sunday, April 29th. We invite you to join us for the walk if you can, or perhaps you can find it in you to make a donation to this amazing cause. Our team page is located here.

We’d like to thank you all for the amazing love and support that you’ve given us this past year. We have gone through some of our highest highs and lowest lows and wouldn’t have been able to get through any of them without you. We love you all more than words can say.

Today was an unusually beautiful day here in Columbus. High in the low 60’s and partly cloudy skies. A spring day that was granted early. A day to be treasured.

I was out running errands, enjoying the weather by having the sun roof open and listening to the radio, when I decided that I wanted to go to the cemetery to visit the twins. This is something that Shawn and I usually do after church, I have not had the courage or strength to go there on my own yet. Something about the weather put it in my head and suddenly I was en route. The cemetery is not a beautiful place in the winter, soggy leaves, sad little monuments of love left over from Christmas, and black wet branches in a gray sky. But today’s weather distracted me and all I could think about was the warm, fresh air and the shy sun darting through the clouds.

It will be a year on Tuesday when I had that fateful appointment with Dr. Ruedrich and was admitted to the hospital for the attempted cerclage and bed rest. One year ago when our world started falling apart and we suffered the greatest loss possible. Here I am now, with another baby in my belly. A strong boy who likes to practice his ninja moves day and night. He’ll be here soon. I stood there thinking about how is it possible to feel so much joy and grief at the same time. Guilt and happiness, hope and loss, it’s all so intertwined. I’m glad that I went today, it was a big step that was made a little bit easier by a gently breeze and warm sun on my shoulders.