grief & joy

Today was an unusually beautiful day here in Columbus. High in the low 60’s and partly cloudy skies. A spring day that was granted early. A day to be treasured.

I was out running errands, enjoying the weather by having the sun roof open and listening to the radio, when I decided that I wanted to go to the cemetery to visit the twins. This is something that Shawn and I usually do after church, I have not had the courage or strength to go there on my own yet. Something about the weather put it in my head and suddenly I was en route. The cemetery is not a beautiful place in the winter, soggy leaves, sad little monuments of love left over from Christmas, and black wet branches in a gray sky. But today’s weather distracted me and all I could think about was the warm, fresh air and the shy sun darting through the clouds.

It will be a year on Tuesday when I had that fateful appointment with Dr. Ruedrich and was admitted to the hospital for the attempted cerclage and bed rest. One year ago when our world started falling apart and we suffered the greatest loss possible. Here I am now, with another baby in my belly. A strong boy who likes to practice his ninja moves day and night. He’ll be here soon. I stood there thinking about how is it possible to feel so much joy and grief at the same time. Guilt and happiness, hope and loss, it’s all so intertwined. I’m glad that I went today, it was a big step that was made a little bit easier by a gently breeze and warm sun on my shoulders.

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