Joseph 4.1
Joseph 3rd Year Retrospective
Joseph 4.0
Once again, a year has gone by, didn’t I just write this post last week? This past year has brought a lot of changes, and challenges, for our family, but despite some hiccups, your easy going attitude and joyful outlook has made it a great one. You continue to become more independent and your personality shines in everything you do. You have blossomed at preschool, I hope that you are always so excited and curious about school. Your academic skills are astounding to me, how is it possible that you are already reading? Your sense of humor has also bloomed this year. I love how you laugh, giggle and say “That’s so funny, Mom!” You continue to love being outdoors and are happiest when in the water, be it a puddle, pool, or bathtub. Even though you are getting bigger, you still are always ready with a hug and kiss and love nothing more to snuggle up together. There is nothing better than having you reach out and hold my hand, I will remember that feeling forever. Happy Birthday, Joseph William, you are my shining star. Mommy loves you so very much.
I’m four years old today!! I am such a big boy now. This year I started school, learned to read, and I’m learning to swim. My favorite things to do are play with my trains and cars, do puzzles, and build with my Magnatiles and blocks. I love to cook with Mom and fix things with Dad. I still want to be outside ALL THE TIME! I’m so excited to see what this next year brings, I’m ready for anything!
5 Years . . .
There is a box in my closet that holds a piece of my heart. I cannot open it for it fills me with dread whenever it happens to catch my eye, yet it is cherished and I will never let it go. This one small box contains all the earthly artifacts I have of the twins. Photos that I can’t bear to look at, yet are seared into my heart and brain.There are hospital bracelets, birth certificates, death certificates, and the guest book from their funeral. Tiny foot prints on index cards, rattles that were never held, prayer cards. . . doll-sized clothes that were given to them by the hospital. I hate those clothes, they are stiff and itchy to the touch, reminding me of how unbearably fragile and soft they were. The box is full of the ephemera of heartache, pain, sorrow, grief, joy, hope, and love. Someday, I hope to be able to open this box again, to be able to look at these precious bits without staining them with tears. Today is not the day.
Five years now have gone by. I still visit that bench, but not as often. Your brother tears me away, holding my hand and dragging me into the frenzy of life with an almost 4 year old. But please know, Mary and Christopher, you are still bright, shining stars that guide my way. Mommy loves you.
4:23am
I sit. I wait. I whisper. I get angry. I get sad. I leave the room. I go back. I’m patient. I’m frustrated. I’m exhausted. I love him. I want to run away screaming. I hold firm. I cave in. I silently scream. I sing. I hold him. I push him away. I count. I read. I cry. I count the minutes. I count the hours. We do not sleep.
Joseph 3.11
It’s been a rough month. Mom and I miss Dad when he is at work in Michigan. We do FaceTime every night at dinner and I’m always so happy to have him home for the weekend, but the week is really long without him.
Mom says that we need to be a team and work together. I’ve been helping a lot by cleaning up my toys, setting and clearing the table, and helping to feed Walter. I’m listening and doing what I’m supposed to (most of the time.)
It’s so cold and there isn’t hardly any snow, so I can’t go outside much. We’ve been doing lots of crafts, watching Monsters Inc. and reading books. Bath time is my favorite, not as good as swimming, but I make do.
Sleepless in St. Charles
So I mentioned in my previous post that we are moving and that Shawn has been commuting on the weekends until we can sell the house and join him in Grand Rapids.
As you can imagine, this has been hard for Joe. It’s been most prominent in his sleep, or lack there of. He goes to bed at his normal bedtime of 8pm without any problems but has been waking up in the middle of the night yelling for me. Sometimes I can get him back to sleep after a quick trip to the bathroom, others he is up for hours. He freaks out if I am not in the room with him and I usually end up using my mom-ninga skills to sneak out of the room. He’s been consistently waking up at least once a night since November, when Shawn started with the commute. He’s now getting worse where he’s been up twice (or three times) a night. Out if sheer exhaustion, I’ve been having him come into my bed. This is something I have never done, unless sick, and I don’t want to make it a habit. (No offense to co-sleepers, just not my thing.)
I’m at my wits end trying to figure out how to help Joey, but I’m at a loss. He’s also exhibiting some other changes in behavior such as clinginess and anxiety when realizing I’m not close (such as when I run upstairs to grab the laundry or something.)
I’m really struggling with getting no sleep. I think I actually slept more when he was an infant! It’s making me less patient with him and adding to the stress of solo-parenting while putting the house on the market. Any suggestions (and good sleeping mojo) would be so greatly appreciated.
On the move . . . .again
So, there has been a lot going on behind the scenes around here.
Shawn took a new position in November that’s in Grand Rapids, Michigan. He has been living there during the week and coming home on weekends. We’ve been trying to adjust and see if this could work long term, but it’s really too much for us to handle.
The stress on Shawn and myself is difficult, but it’s hardest on Joe. He misses his dad terribly and it is affecting his sleep and made him very clingy/nervous. Up to this point, he has been flourishing here and it pains me to see him struggle with it.
This has made us decide to sell the house and move so we can all be together. We’re so sad to leave our home, especially after all the work we put into it, not to mention our neighbors, friends and community that we quickly have grown to love. It’s even more heartbreaking to leave our family. I haven’t lived this close to my parents and siblings since I was in high school, and it’s been wonderful to have them be such a large part of our lives again. Joe’s had the blessing of having my parents around (even living with them for a time) and I know it will be difficult to not be so close.
We just finished having some painting done and placed the house on the market this weekend. I dearly hope it sells quickly, I want this transition to be as quick and painless as possible.
I’m optimistic that we will create a wonderful life in Grand Rapids. It’s a great community and reminds me of Madison, which we dearly loved. I’m looking forward to all of us being together again as well. Honestly, it doesn’t matter where Team Colley hangs our hats, along as we are with each other.
Joseph 3.10
This month flew by with tons of Holiday fun. Santa came! He ate the cookies I left him and brought me some awesome toys. I got my Hot Wheels Track! I was so excited and happy.
We had lots of visitors, too. My cousin Luke came to stay for a few days before Christmas. We had lots of fun playing, jumping on the bed, wrestling, and baking cookies. Grandma Colley came to visit and brought me lots of presents. I miss her and keep asking to go to Ohio to visit. We went to Grandma and Grandpa’s house and saw all my aunts and uncles (more presents!) and also to see the rest of the Torto Family.
Lately, I’ve really enjoyed playing with all my new toys. Besides my Hot Wheels, I really like my USA puzzle, my rocket ship (kind of like a doll house, but for astronauts and aliens) and school bus. I also really love my books, especially The Gruffalo, The Watermelon Seed, and My Pixar Cars Book (I’m part of the story!)
Now I’m back at school. It’s been a little hard forme to get act in the swing of things, but I’m getting there. I just hope this awful freezing weather goes away. I can’t go outside and play in the snow! Not fair. Let’s hope it gets better soon. I want to ride my sled and build a snowman.
Just. Keep. Knitting.
Keeping my hands busy and my mind calm, it’s currently more about the process than the end product. Although, it can be amazing that worries and stress can turn into something that keeps you cozy and warm.
Widdershins 