Category Archives: All About Me

These are the more personal posts about my life. Sharing my emotions, thoughts, dreams, nightmares, etc.

Two years . . .

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I can’t believe it’s been this long . . . it still stills my heart every day. It’s both easier and harder now with Joseph here. It keeps me busy and present and also helps me to cherish this sweet little boy all the more. But, it is also a constant reminder. Would Christopher be the same rough and tumble little boy, would Mary have the same blue eyes? Questions that bring a smile and tears at the same time.

I still struggle with the seemingly ever-present question “is he your first?” Such a simple question but so hard to answer. Most often, I simply say yes. It’s too difficult to explain and it’s most often people that want a simple answer. Little do they know of the tiny daggers that sting when I deny them. Please, my sweet angels, know that I will always think of you as my first (and second) born. I love you Mary and Christopher, Happy Birthday my loves.

The Year Ahead

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Well, the Team Colley Holiday Tour has reached its completion and we are back home and settling into the new year. 2013!

I love the start of a new year. New beginnings, clean slates, a brand new calendar. . . and of course lists! Lists of things I want to do, see, make, cook.

I decided that this year I really need to bring balance into my -and by extension my family’s-life. That means focusing on our family as a whole as well as myself. I found that last year I made several fits and starts at doing this, but I always pushed myself aside to focus on others. This hurt me, both mentally and physically. I need to do better. Here are a few ways to start:

  • Shawn and I have talked about this and we are going to make sure to make time for us – date night at least twice a month – so we don’t become “mommy & daddy” and forget ourselves.
  • We will also be working harder to work as a team parenting. Before this meant that we often “tagged out” with Joseph. Leading to a lot of frustration on my part. I was not able to “tag out” as much with being home all day while Shawn was working and when he was home, I was often “supervising” his turns. I also felt a lot of guilt when I did step away to take time for myself. I always rushed and didn’t fully enjoy that time because I was fretting about getting back and “relieving” Shawn. Shawn is a capable adult and a wonderful father. I need to let him lead at times.
  • I have to make sure Shawn has time for himself outside of work, he needs his down time as well to relax and rejuvenate just as much as I do.
  • I need to allow myself to take time for me. This can mean going to get a pedicure, reading or crafting while Joseph naps instead of doing laundry, making it to the gym, or actually taking a nap. These things will all help me in realizing my goals.
  • Stop doubting and mentally beating myself up over my mothering skills, or lack there of. I put myself through a TON of mental anguish regarding whether or not I am doing the right thing for my son. I also get really down on myself whenever I get frustrated with him. I am human. I am doing the best I can. I will pay for his therapy. I have to remember this and focus on how wonderful this tiny wonderful human is and how he has helped me grow.

So those are a few ways I’ll be working on making this year all about Team Colley. I’m sure I’ll have my successes and failures, but I have a beautifully empty calendar in which to log my progress. I’ll be posting about my trials and tribulations under the category Dream Year 2013. Hope you’ll follow along with me.

Just not feeling it.

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Grinch

I’m having a hard time getting into the holiday spirit this year. I’m not quite sure what it is, maybe because things are so hectic with holiday parties, shopping, cooking, etc. on top of my already frazzled daily life I just can’t relax enough to get in the mood.

I am feeling pretty bad about this because its Joseph’s first Christmas. Shouldn’t I be giddy with excitement over starting new family traditions and sharing the holiday with him for the very first time? . . .(Sigh) Maybe if I had more energy – or time – I’d be able to have sugar plums dancing in my head. Right now it is visions of a to-do list as long as my arm.

This weekend, we’ll be taking Joe to see Santa. Hopefully, this will un-Grinchify my heart. Am I the only one who feels this way? What do you do to help you get into the Christmas spirit?

World Prematurity Day

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Today more than 1,400 babies in the United States (1 in 8) will be born prematurely. Many will be too small and too sick to go home. Instead, they face weeks or even months in the newborn intensive care unit (NICU). These babies face an increased risk of serious medical complications and death; however, most, eventually, will go home.

As many of you know, Mary and Christopher were born at 23 weeks and were only with us for a few short moments. However, they touched our hearts forever. Our family supports the March of Dimes and its many initiatives to honor the twins’ memory as well as to help others that have these tiny angels born into their lives. For those who are interested in helping this worthy cause, please visit here.

I’m staying in the picture

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Last week I came across this article and it really hit home. Wonderfully written, it addresses an issue that most moms deal with on some level: Photographs.

Most moms I know, myself certainly included, avoid the camera because we don’t like how we look in pictures. We are not the perfectly coiffed, pink-cheeked, mom-models that are so often seen in media today. I’m more along the lines of the short pudgy Italian lady in yoga pants and a drool and dog hair-covered shirt with crazy hair and no make up. This does not usually photograph well.

But after reading this article, I realized that this is who I am and that my son will remember me more for my laughter, hugs and kisses, playing, cooking, and just being me. I need to document these times, with myself in the photo, because they will be the mementos that my child will cherish after I’m gone. I know that he might possibly laugh at my crazy hair, but I think that he will focus more on how we both have the same nose.

I promise you, my sweet Joseph, I will grin, laugh, and smile for the camera.

 

Finding Time

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“So many projects, so little time.”

I am positively itching to work on some knitting and sewing projects but I just can’t seem to find a free minute to do so and it is driving me crazy. I really need that outlet in my life. It helps me deal with stress and is a way that I can be “my own self” instead of mother, wife, cook, laundress, etc. Now, I enjoy being all of those other things (well, maybe not laundress) but in order to be good at those roles, I also need that creative release. Hopefully, I can figure out a way to find a balance and get back into the studio.

Leaving my baby

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Shawn and I recently went on a trip to Las Vegas and left Joseph with his Grandma. (Shawn’s mom.) This was the first time that I was away from Joe for more than a few hours since I went to the hospital right after he was born. I really struggled with mixed emotions of guilt, elation, abandonment, and fear.

I knew that Joseph would be in great hands. My MIL is a nurse, raised two boys on her own as a single mother, and is one of the most cautious, careful people I know. He would probably take more precautions and care that Shawn and I do ourselves. I was more concerned about her stamina. I mean, I am whooped by the end of the day. Joey is a handful. He is all over the place, squirmy, and currently teething. He is also not a big napper. So, I was concerned that she would be worn out. Luckily, Shawn’s aunt and a few of her lady friends came by and helped out so she could get a break and have that extra pair of hands every once in a while.

I think that the biggest thing I struggled with was guilt. Guilt of leaving him, guilt of not being there, guilt of having fun and enjoying myself without him. It took me a few days to get over the constant guilt I felt about leaving him and allowing myself to relax and have a good time. I think that part of it was that I was getting reports that he was fussy, wouldn’t sleep, etc. After a couple of days of this, I had Shawn call his mom and talk to her to see how things were. She gave him a different perspective: they were having fun and she was enjoying her time with her grandson. It was hard work, but it was good. This made me relax a bit more and eased my mind that she, and him, weren’t miserable.

I continued to have some guilt about having a good time and enjoying myself without having to constantly care for Joseph. It was a revelation that I NEVER stop care-taking. Yes, Shawn helps a ton, but I am still “in charge” in one way or another. I can’t explain how good it felt to stop that for a little while. I know that is something that I have to work on, but I am unsure how to do this without having to fly across the country.

All in all, it was a really great experience. Shawn and I got the time we both really needed as a couple, I was finally able to relax and realize that he would be okay without me, and my MIL and Joseph got some serious bonding time together. I just hope that she wasn’t so worn out that she’d watch him again for us before he’s in preschool.

 

 

Roadblock

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I want to that everyone for the encouragement and support in regards to my previous post.

It is difficult to not go down the “I failed, I’m not good enough” road when you don’t meet a goal that was so important and worked so hard for. (Running in this summer’s heat wave, 5:45 run times, etc.)

A good friend of mine put it in the perfect perspective for me:

“Samantha, you have faced many challenges in the past few years and wouldn’t be in such a good place now if you looked at them as failures. Roadblocks my dear, go around or over but never give up. We all believe in you. “

So, I’m going to look at it as another roadblock and find a detour to get to my goal.

Failure

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Last Friday was the March of Dimes Night Moves 5K. I did not run in it.

Ever since then end of August, I’ve been having a recurring problem with my feet as well as my right ankle/knee. I was struggling to be able to run consistently because of the pain and having to take days to rest it do I wasn’t hobbling around. I kept trying to work it out, but in the end I felt that I would do too much damage if I ran the race.

I’m planning on going to see my doctor and also talk to a running specialist about it. I am hoping that it is just a combination of needing better running shoes and maybe correcting my gait.

I am beyond disappointed. I was actually in years on Friday night when I had to finally come to terms that I wasn’t going to be able to meet my goal. I feel like a failure and I’m really sad, angry, and frustrated with myself and my body.

Until I can figure out what I can do to continue to run without pain, I’m planning on getting back into yoga and doing some lower impact cardio, like the elliptical. Hopefully, I can get things figured out and will be able to try again for a different 5K in the future.

I want to thank everyone, especially my sister and Shawn, for all of their support while trying to accomplish my goal. I’m sorry I let you all down.

Solo Parenting

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I’ve been on my own with the little guy for the past couple days due to Shawn having to go on a business trip. He’s coming back today and I have to say that it is not a moment too soon. Don’t get me wrong, I love the peanut so much and enjoy being able to spend my time with him. I’m blessed that I am able to stay home and don’t have to deal the stress and worry that comes with sending your little one to day care while working full time. That being said, I really need a break by the end of the day and Shawn is amazingly helpful with taking up the reigns so I can get a breather. He also helps me so much with the little things; letting out the dog in the morning, getting bottles ready, making coffee, the list goes on and on. Okay, I’m not writing a post about how awesome my husband is (but I totally could!) but I want to explain why I am feeling extra frazzled at this point. Between being “on” with Joseph without any back up, no real interaction with anyone but an infant and a dog, and having to take care of all the big and little things through out the day and night, I am ready to drop. God bless the single parents out there who do this everyday without end. I am not sure I could make it. I am so lucky that I have Shawn coming back today. . . . maybe we should “welcome” him at the airport.